Ratatat

I think this is my favorite band right now. They have such fucking amazing beats. Every song is an adventure and you can just there and imagine anything you want while listening. They also have a few Remix albums with artists like ludacris, jay-z and notorious b.i.g. Its all really good shit and I highly recommend.

I find it very difficult to make decisions. I think my brain is overly rational. It can be sympathetic to almost any side of a story. I feel like everything in my life is a moral gray area and nothing is certain. It kinda sucks. I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure that I will go to class tomorrow, I'm not sure I'll graduate, I'm not sure I'll be alive tomorrow, I'm not sure the world will be here tomorrow. And so this means I never really trust.

On one side it seems like apathy. Like I'm just too apathetic to care about anything. But instead I can't commit to anything. Because I don't want to look like a fool when something unexpected happen. Ironically, the only thing I am sure of is the fact that I exist.

I won't you so bad my bones shake

It's scary to realize what you can get away with. I try to pretend that all these rules we have to obey have a scary enforcer who will give me a dissapointed look if I don't follow them. Because its quite sad to realize that if you do everything wrong, nobody will care.

I want to alternate doing yoga and swimming. This P90x Yoga is hard. I did half the video on Thursday and was soo sore. I think I might try the other half tonight. I'm on duty so I can't leave anyway.

Yesterday I found two giant fucking snowballs in the entrance to Wilmot N. I was like 'wtfbbq!'. So I called another don and we rolled them out. It's like someone wanted to make a snowman, but ran out of time so stored the parts inside, hoping he could just pick up where he left off later. Sorry dude, for removing your snowballs. They were melting anyway.

For those who are narrow minded

http://en.wikinews.org/wiki/Study_finds_marijuana_use_leads_to_brain_development_in_rats

It's been a while

One of my favorite artists, Regina Spektor has a new album called Far. It's brilliant. Her lyrics are so out of the ordinary and complex. Her voice has the poignant ping to it that makes her so unique when combined with her touch of Russian accent.

Everyone on this album is great. She's really experimenting with vocals and new instruments, as well as song formats.

This particular song is called The Calculation

So we made our own computer
Out of macaroni pieces
And it did our thinking
While we lived our lives
It counted up our feelings
And divided them up even
And it called our calculation
Perfect love

You win some you lose some

I've been discovering a lot of ambiant music lately. A great one I've found is Eluvium. The album I'm listening to right now is called An Accidental Memory in the Case of Death. This album is actually all only piano. It's really nice to just lie down, relax and listen. I'm going to recommend 'The Well Meaning Professor'.

Listen. It's very nice.

Another group I've discovered is Caspian. They're a little more post-rock. This song is called 'Asa' from the album The Four Trees. I wonder if its about aspirin. Just listen to it and think of your favorite place in the world.

Three stars, delivering signs and dusting from their eyes.

Guilt is one of the most useless human emotions. Well, for society as a whole, that is. It can be very useful in our everyday life and perhaps that's why we have created it. I would like to wipe it out, so that I don't feel it anymore. People feel guilt, and then try to make amends for what they've done only so that they can themselves feel better. Not so that they can make the person they wronged feel better. They hope that if this person that has been wronged can feel better, then they will stop feeling guilt. And so the ultimate goal becomes to not feel guilt about our actions, not to take responsibility for our actions.

I think it's time that we take more responsibility for our actions. Decisions should be carefully thought out and we should stand firm behind them, instead of simply using the safety net of guilt. This is similar to a philosophy that one of my good friends has. He doesn't like the word 'sorry' being tossed around so much. Instead of taking the time to say sorry, take the time to avoid doing what you will later need to be sorry for. Or if you're really not sorry, stand firm behind your actions and say so.

The other day on the bus a girl was pushing past me to get to a seat. I didn't really mind, but she stopped and said 'sorry'. I thought to myself that she's not sorry. And I don't want her to be. Given another chance, she wouldn't have changed what she was doing. I would have preferred she had said nothing. She was only saying sorry to validate what she was doing. And I didn't say 'It's OK', because it wasn't a real apology. She wasn't apologizing to make me feel better about being pushed aside, she was saying to make herself feel better. I don't often say 'It's OK' after people apologizing to me. Only if it is a sincere apology, and only if I have actually forgiven the action.

Another emotion that I would like to eradicate is fear. Fear is what controls most of what I, and the rest of society does. I had lunch with the CEO of my company recently, and at the end he asked if we had any questions. I actually did have a question that I was curious about, but I didn't say anything. Nobody said anything, we all just sat there and said nothing. And so he just thinks we're all really stupid or really apathetic. But really I was afraid. I was afraid to ask a question because I might have looked like I didn't know what I was talking about (which I probably didn't) I shouldn't have let that fear control me, because now I definitely don't know what I'm talking about since I didn't ask the question. I'm afraid to talk to my boss about further job options because I'm afraid of what he really thinks about me. I'm afraid to have kids because I'm afraid I won't be able to connect with them. If only I could get rid of these fears, I could put my all into everything I do.

My dad is moving soon, and he said he thought it would be nice if I could see the place before I go back to Waterloo. My first and natural response to this was 'Why?'. Now, I realize later this came off as harsh. He said to me 'Sometimes I think that you're too unemotional'. I wonder if he's right? I've almost entirely gotten rid of feeling anger, and now I'm working towards not feeling guilt or fear. Am I just picking off my emotions one by one until I only ever feel love? Is that even a bad thing to strive for? In order to do this, would I have to completely disconnect from everyone and everything? But sometimes I can't help it. My dad has this romanticism about him. He feels an emotional need for me to see where he's going to live. And I just don't. I don't understand why he thinks I should see it, and he just doesn't understand why I don't think I need to. But since he's the one who's feeling something, then he's the one who ends up feeling hurt and I'm the one who ends up feeling the guilt. =/