You win some you lose some

I've been discovering a lot of ambiant music lately. A great one I've found is Eluvium. The album I'm listening to right now is called An Accidental Memory in the Case of Death. This album is actually all only piano. It's really nice to just lie down, relax and listen. I'm going to recommend 'The Well Meaning Professor'.

Listen. It's very nice.

Another group I've discovered is Caspian. They're a little more post-rock. This song is called 'Asa' from the album The Four Trees. I wonder if its about aspirin. Just listen to it and think of your favorite place in the world.

Three stars, delivering signs and dusting from their eyes.

Guilt is one of the most useless human emotions. Well, for society as a whole, that is. It can be very useful in our everyday life and perhaps that's why we have created it. I would like to wipe it out, so that I don't feel it anymore. People feel guilt, and then try to make amends for what they've done only so that they can themselves feel better. Not so that they can make the person they wronged feel better. They hope that if this person that has been wronged can feel better, then they will stop feeling guilt. And so the ultimate goal becomes to not feel guilt about our actions, not to take responsibility for our actions.

I think it's time that we take more responsibility for our actions. Decisions should be carefully thought out and we should stand firm behind them, instead of simply using the safety net of guilt. This is similar to a philosophy that one of my good friends has. He doesn't like the word 'sorry' being tossed around so much. Instead of taking the time to say sorry, take the time to avoid doing what you will later need to be sorry for. Or if you're really not sorry, stand firm behind your actions and say so.

The other day on the bus a girl was pushing past me to get to a seat. I didn't really mind, but she stopped and said 'sorry'. I thought to myself that she's not sorry. And I don't want her to be. Given another chance, she wouldn't have changed what she was doing. I would have preferred she had said nothing. She was only saying sorry to validate what she was doing. And I didn't say 'It's OK', because it wasn't a real apology. She wasn't apologizing to make me feel better about being pushed aside, she was saying to make herself feel better. I don't often say 'It's OK' after people apologizing to me. Only if it is a sincere apology, and only if I have actually forgiven the action.

Another emotion that I would like to eradicate is fear. Fear is what controls most of what I, and the rest of society does. I had lunch with the CEO of my company recently, and at the end he asked if we had any questions. I actually did have a question that I was curious about, but I didn't say anything. Nobody said anything, we all just sat there and said nothing. And so he just thinks we're all really stupid or really apathetic. But really I was afraid. I was afraid to ask a question because I might have looked like I didn't know what I was talking about (which I probably didn't) I shouldn't have let that fear control me, because now I definitely don't know what I'm talking about since I didn't ask the question. I'm afraid to talk to my boss about further job options because I'm afraid of what he really thinks about me. I'm afraid to have kids because I'm afraid I won't be able to connect with them. If only I could get rid of these fears, I could put my all into everything I do.

My dad is moving soon, and he said he thought it would be nice if I could see the place before I go back to Waterloo. My first and natural response to this was 'Why?'. Now, I realize later this came off as harsh. He said to me 'Sometimes I think that you're too unemotional'. I wonder if he's right? I've almost entirely gotten rid of feeling anger, and now I'm working towards not feeling guilt or fear. Am I just picking off my emotions one by one until I only ever feel love? Is that even a bad thing to strive for? In order to do this, would I have to completely disconnect from everyone and everything? But sometimes I can't help it. My dad has this romanticism about him. He feels an emotional need for me to see where he's going to live. And I just don't. I don't understand why he thinks I should see it, and he just doesn't understand why I don't think I need to. But since he's the one who's feeling something, then he's the one who ends up feeling hurt and I'm the one who ends up feeling the guilt. =/

There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

Wow. I got the new Death Cab EP yesterday, and its fantastic. A lot of the songs are written on the same theme, but I can kind of relate. So today's song is from it. It's called 'A Diamond and a Tether'. It's great. He's talking about he can't tie himself down (diamond ring and tether of marriage?).

It’s like love is a lesson
That I can’t learn
So I make the same mistakes at each familiar turn

I guess I haven't really listened to the songs enough to comment about them yet. They were left out of the album because Death Cab says they didn't fit well with the rest of the album (they were supposed to originally be part of 'Narrow Stairs') and I agree. They're a little more heavy on the guitar and lighter on the drums. Although I like this version of 'Talking Bird' way better than the album version.

Different Direction

So today I think I'll go in a different direction. I've been listening to a bunch of instrumental/ambient music lately. Today's song is "Quiet" by a band called "This Will Destroy You". It's from their album called "Young Mountain". All of their music is really chill to listen to. I don't even know how to describe this music. So instead listen to this:

Catch and release.

I just watched that movie. It's really cute, but also sad. The only problem was that it was on the W network (Women's network). That thing is like my worst nightmare. It's clearly a network geared towards middle aged women with low self esteem who think that they improve their lives greatly by watching it. Everything is about inner beauty and empowerment. Blech.

Anyway! Today's song is from The Fray's new self-titled album. It's called 'Ungodly Hour'. Something about it is just so, unclean. Listening to it, I get the feeling that something terrible has happened.

"Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour"

I think today is going to be a double wammy, since I missed two days in a row. This song I was listening to the whole way on the ride back from Waterloo today. It's called "Free Fallin'". The version that I was listening to was done by John Mayer, but it's originally by Tom Petty, from his 1989 (good year) album "Full Moon Fever".

"I'm a bad boy,
Cause I don't even miss her,
I'm a bad boy,
For Breaking her heart"

You can sit beside me when the world comes down.

There are 17 work days until this coop term is over. That's less than 4 weeks. Me counting this down made me realize that right now my life consists of waiting for something, and not caring about right now. Which is really NOT a good way to go about. Instead of focusing what I could be accomplishing right now, I'm focusing on what I will do in the future. And what happens when I get there? Will I just focus on what I'll be doing in the next term?

No!

So, no more counting down. Time for work report writing =/ So much fun.

So today's song is amazing. It's called 'One More Night' by Stars, from 'Set Yourself on Fire'. The opening lyrics of this album are quite amazing. 'When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire'. It's chilling, but quite true. Perhaps that's why people engage in so much self-destructive behaviour, because they've already destroyed everything around them.

So this song is about doomed lovers who want one more night of passion before they part ways. My favorite lyrics are

"He starts with her back,
Cause that's what he sees.
When she's breaking his heart,
She still fucks like a tease."

This is the album cover from the vinyl, which I have. The CD cover is pretty lame, but this is awesome/awful.

I can see a lot of light in you.

When I ripped down your charm,
It gave in effortlessly and silently.
And it pulled the wall down with it.
Now my guitar sits collecting dust
Just like my heart and my fingertips.

I'm biting my cheeks cause I'm grinding my teeth.
I've gotta pick up the pace cause I'm dragging my feet.
I've got the hiccups cause I'm nervous.
I don't need this I don't want this.

And now I stand at the opposite end of the maze
With no map or idea of how to find my way to the other side
To you
And so I turn my back,
And walk out.

Hands down.

I'm going back to my high school days for today's song. One of my favorite albums from that time is Nelly Furtado's 'Folklore'. I don't like her first album 'Whoa, Nelly!' and I really dislike her latest album (I don't actually know what it's called) but I really like 'Folklore'. It's got some really great lyrics. Pretty much every song on the album grew on me after awhile.

So today's song is called 'Picture Perfect':

"You are a rockstar, deep down inside.
You walk with a swager, got nothing to hide
Cigarette in your mouth, cuff on your jeans"

This song just makes me think of lying out in the sun with cut-off shorts on a really hot and humid day.

Here's the song. It doesn't actually have a music video, I think this is just something some fan put together.

I'm happy as a clam.

Today's song is 'Nobody Knows Me At All' by The Weepies, from their album 'Say I Am You'. Just the name of their band sounds emo. And that song sounds emo too. But its actually a cute song. She's singing about how she's happy that nobody knows her, she's her own little secret. I chose this song today because I'm happy as can be.

Anyway, the reason for this comic is that it goes with the lyrics.

"I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam,
Nobody knows me at all.
Ah what can I do, there's nobody like you,
Nobody knows me at all."

It's a pretty simple song, I can actually play it on the guitar.

I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday I had lunch with my Dad I drank later with my underage friends who couldn't come out Friday night. Today I watched about 3 hours of Seinfeld/The Simpsons/Family Guy and went out to dinner with my mom and brother. My brother gave me a gift-certificate to a grocery store. You know you're getting old when...

Anyway, here's the music video if you're interested.

I'm not one for sentiment.

So I went to the wine store near my house to buy my mom a bottle of wine today. The woman at the counter asks for my ID. When she looked at it, she says 'How old are you?' So I say "20", then add "Yesterday." She gives me this look. So I say "What?". And she says "You look 14". So I guess, it doesn't matter how old I am. I still feel young and look young, hence I am young.

So today's song is 'Bold As Love' by John Mayer's 'Continuum'. For those of you who didn't know, John and I are madly in love and going to get married. He told me that he loves me at his concert this summer. Well, he also told 30,000 other screaming girls, but I'm sure he meant it when he said it to me. He has some really fucking sick sleeves. I wonder what I would look like with sleeves?

This song is pretty cool. I don't really know what its about, by it's lyrically a lot of fun. The following lines play around a lot and have some good alliteration.

Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind him
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground.

Not holding my breath here.

I figured today's post would be funnier if done when drunk. So I guess there's no real post on my birthday. Anyway. I have no clue what song to use for today.

Everything from tonight is so blurry already, even though it happened like an hour ago. Some guy was like 'I think you're so cute, dance with me.' So I told him my name and told him if he remembered my name in 5 minutes I would dance with him. And I really would have, most guys don't care about your name. But I forgot to go back and ask him.

Anyway.....Since I'm not quite sober, I'll admit that I totally like Taylor Swift. I can't quite put my finger on it, but for some reason I really like her music. Anyway, so today's song is 'Forever and Always' from her latest album 'Fearless'. Taylor Swift is pretty awesome. I think she's about my age, and doesn't drink. I really respect her for that.

So here's my favorite line from that song:

So here's to everything.
Coming down to nothing.

So one of my friends drove all the way to Toronto to see me for my birthday from Waterloo. And he got turned away from the bar I was in cause he was wearing track pants. It blows! Anyway, I saw him for a second and he gave me a handmade card and a really special present <3.

Begin to Hope

Today is my last day of being a teenager. I feel like I should do something reckless and be a hooligan. But I'm not really getting older. If the universe is timeless than my existence is insignificant and I have no age.

Today's featured artist is Regina Spektor. Some of you may know her from her semi-popular album 'Begin to Hope'. But the song I've picked today is from one of her earlier albums. It's called 'Oedipus' from 'Songs'. It's really beautiful and amazing and powerful. I really believe for a second that I'm Oedipus. Regina is one of the realest musicians I know. She sings songs that sometimes just sound so raw and unrefined, but that's what make them so great. I would recommend to anyone to listen to her.

But retired to her chamber
And we remained quite strangers

April Fool's

So, that Death Cab for Cutie album wasn't released yesterday =( I went to HMV today and the guy there told me it got pushed back to April 14th. I wonder if it was an April Fool's joke. It wasn't a very nice one.

I have a lottery ticket for tonight. If I win, I don't think anybody will believe me. I probably won't even believe the ticket.

So today's song is a classic. It's called 'Both Hands' by Ani DiFranco. Ani is a huge lesbian icon. Anyone into the indie or gay scene has heard of her, and can probably sing along to this song. Gay or straight though, most people can appreciate this song. It's about the tragedy of how so many relationships end because of apathy.

I have two favorite lines from this song. The first one:

I am getting nowhere with you
But I can't let it go,
And I can't get through.

And the second:

Your bones have been my bedframe
And your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
To offer up the deep with both hands